Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
