Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
