I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
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its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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