i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
