So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
