You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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