Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
whose ass print is on the piano?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
