I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
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How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
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I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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