I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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