I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
