can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
