Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
