My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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