He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
