Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
