if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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