In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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