you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
