three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
