she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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