Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
