wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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