Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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