You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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