his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
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She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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