I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
