I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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