peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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