I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
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