There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
