and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
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I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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