Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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