i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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