Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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