So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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