I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
