My nipple is on Facebook.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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