i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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