At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
