The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
