1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i permit you to call me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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