Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The uberlube is also flammable
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
