How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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