This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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