I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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