So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
