Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
