i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
