i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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