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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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