Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Four minutes until I can fart!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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