he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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