i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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