Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize