Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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