You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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