I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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