I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
