you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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